On Understanding Truth

As you may or may not know, I suffer from bipolar disorder with psychotic features. Though this may not excuse my words or behavior, I just want my friends and family to understand more about this condition. My mood, thinking, and behavior are affected drastically. Psychosis is a persistent loss of contact with reality. It can lead to delusions (false beliefs), and nothing anyone can say can change these beliefs. In most cases, a person going through psychosis doesn't even know how strange they are being. It's frightening. Paranoia can cause one to be extremely suspicious, unable to trust not only other people, but even the human experience itself. For what can an individual do when their mind fails them and their reality is lightyears away from the day-to-day experience of a normal, healthy human? Every day, my mind is filled with thoughts that tell me I'd be better off dead. I remember all the times I made mistakes, and what I could have done instead. My thoughts are so rapid sometimes and so negative that I experience intense emotional and mental pain that make me want to use substances. Not only do I have mental illness, but I also struggle with substance use disorder. I used substances to self-medicate because they were the only thing that could give me any sense of relief. Unfortunately, I got started on drugs very young. I was 12 when I started drinking, 13 when I started smoking weed, and 18 when I became a daily smoker/vaper. I was introduced to Adderall at 20, and even took modafinil (narcolepsy medication) during this time. I was 20 years old when I tried acid, and that really fucked me up, considering I met the girl of my dreams while going through all this (rest easy, Rachel). People might hear rumors about me, but I don't claim to be perfect. I don't even claim to be a good person. I just wanted to share a little bit about why I am the way I am.