On Mental Health

I'm 284 days sober. Still recovering from psychosis and strained or broken relationships. I've learned that everyone, save my parents, will leave me to languish, especially when the times get tough. Whether it be getting delayed responses or being flat out ignored, to the in-numerous excuses I've gotten, it seems like people have just decided I'm not worth it. Social isolation is not good for the human animal, and I've been in such a state for many, many days now. I know I shouldn't change for other people, and I know I shouldn't care about what other people think about me. What I don't know is how other people can be so insensitive and apathetic. How can I be enough? Are my efforts in vain? I cut out almost all my vices. I'm taking my medication. I'm off social media. I use nicotine still, however who wouldn't when attention is so scarce and social connection is out of the question? I'm led to believe that humans aren't so nice as I had once thought. Where is the l o v e? fr.

Music has been nice to me. I enjoy my drives on the town listening to my tunes. It's one of the only things that can keep me sane. I have nice mediums in which I can partake in the joy of listening to my music; I use AirPods, Beats, Sennheiser HD 600s, my car stereo system, studio monitors, etc.

I still find it difficult to engross myself into pastimes of mine, including but not limited to: books, video games, movies, and tv shows. Anhedonia and lack of concentration is a B. I have all this free time and content to consume, but I spend my days doing mostly nothing. What's the point if you have to do everything alone? I've always thought of single-player games to be dreadfully lonely. Watching a film or TV show with a buddy just hits different.

Maybe I can still craft my own reality. Hopefully it's not too late to introduce new people into my life. I learned the hard way that friends are temporal. At least that's the case for me. Some people have lifelong friends or friend groups. Not me.

At least I'm able to form coherent thoughts now. My thoughts aren't hurting me anymore. My suicidal ideation is at bay, thank God. I've started my slow descent back into reality, and I'm just barely breaching into the inner fog layer. I'm beginning to get out of my head into objective reality. I'm rarely, if ever, lost in thought and disconnected from people when the situation arises. Life doesn't feel so hopeless as it once felt like. I had a complete loss in agency for so long, and I'm late to the party but being clean is like a second shot at life.

I'm just doing a bunch of stuff and taking the shotgun approach when it comes to my mental health. Doing a bunch of things that are good and not doing things that are bad. And those things are not equal, not by a long shot. I've commenced the healing of my brain. I'd been torturing it for the longest time. I've been through so much. Maybe I haven't traveled across the world as others have, but mentally, I've traversed dimensions.